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Sunday, 26 February 2017

Difficulties

Assalamualaikum.
Ujian ni, ada yang sampai kat kita untuk kita overcome. Ada yang sampai kepada kita untuk kita jadikan pengajaran so that we will never repeat the same mistakes or supaya kita dapat pengalaman hidup so that kita tahu macamana nak handle the similar difficulties in the future. Dan ada juga ujian yang kita cuma perlu stay kat defence position, tahan, tahan, tahan, sampai penghujung lorong ujian tu.
All these three type of difficulty, cara untuk kita react and move on tak sama. Yang sama cuma, semua tu Allah bagi kat kita atas sebab yang Allah saja tahu, and Allah takkan pernah kasi something yang akan menzalimi hamba-Nya. These are the words that I keep repeated to myself untuk try maintain positive (even though lately otak ni kadang-kadang tak boleh fikir positive).
Aku; aku rasa most of the time bila ujian yang perlukan aku guna otak, akal yang waras untuk solve it, aku boleh handle pretty well. Bila ujian yang perlukan aku untuk jadi lebih mature and take is as a lesson learnt, I can understand and get it pretty good too. Tapi aku tak pernah tahu defence level aku kat level mana sebab selama ni aku tak pernah face ujian yang perlukan aku jadi defendant yang bagus. And right now, aku rasa I am a weak defendant. I can say i am really aggressive bila kena solve problem. That's why aku boleh overcome so many difficulty in a short time. Tapi bila sampai kepada ujian yang aku kena switch to defendant position, I'm weak. Too weak. Even I myself shocked with my performance bila sampai bab kena bertahan macam ni.
Hurmmm. I think I made a promise to myself that I'll not share any of my weakness in this page anymore. But for more than 2 years I endure everything to myself and it's become worst day by day. I can't share with anyone because either they have their own difficulties or i would think why should I burden them with the unnecessary stress which is not related to them at all.
Orang selalu kata, bila kita rasa kita tak mampu tanggung masalah kita, we should share with someone. Aku tahu, aku ada ramai orang yang sudi pinjamkan telinga dengar apa aku rasa. Aku tahu aku ada ramai orang yang sudi pinjamkan aku bahu untuk aku sandar lepaskan lelah jadi defendant. Tapi aku sendiri yang tak mampu nak pergi kat diorang and minta pinjam telinga, pinjam bahu tu. Maybe because I'm too used to be the person that lend my ear and shoulder to others sampai tahap aku tak boleh buat perkara sama kat diorang. Aku rasa macam, because I know their problems and struggles, so I don't dare to put any burden towards them. Padahal aku pun macam diorang, aku ada masalah, tapi aku still pinjamkan telinga and bahu untuk diorang. And I know it well that they want to do the same to me. Tapi complicated nya aku ni sampai aku rasa aku cuma akan tambahkan masalah diorang kalau aku share masalah aku.
By right, aku rasa aku da unfair dengan diorang. And now I claims that I have no one to share my burden. Complicated kan aku ni. Sorry kawan...
There's not much of things that I want. I just hope that I can stay in this defence position till these difficulty ends.
Pray for the best of me during these days.
Assalamualaikum.